How Long Does Pizza Take?
My phone chimes as an offer pops up on my food delivery app. I click “accept” and head for Penny’s Pizza. A few minutes later I pull into the parking lot and look for a space. My breath catches when…
Genre: Humor
Stories written to amuse, whether gently, absurdly, or wickedly.
Out of Reach
Her skirt sways as she walks, and my heart falls into step with hers. Her perfume intoxicates me, leaving me quivering at her feet. I ache to hold her close, gently caress her brow, and softly kiss her lips. But…
Washington Cherry Pie
The doorbell jangled as a couple walked into the Smith Family Farms Cafe and took a seat at the crowded bar counter. Vera handed them menus and greeted them cheerfully, “Happy Independence Day!” “Hi,” the man replied. “We’re only having…
Male Mom
“Bye, honey, I’ll see you tonight!” I shout out to my wife, Jelinja, as she opens the front door to leave. “Be home in time for dinner.” She grins back at me. “Well, of course, babe, I would never miss…
Trillionaire Number Two
“Oh man, he beat me to it!” my roommate Bryan exclaims as he lounges on the living room couch. “Who beat you to what?” I ask, startled by his sudden outburst. He stops scrolling his phone and looks up at…
The Connection Conundrum
I remove my new laptop from the cardboard box and tight styrofoam packing, and carefully unwrap the sealed plastic wrap encasing it. I admire the sleek, brushed metal case that feels so solid and light in my hands. I got…
Mom’s Lament
In the living room, the TV blares a bouncy kids’ tune that dissolves into a symphony of chaos—her two young sons shrieking as they toss toys and tussle, her hungry, over-stimulated toddler daughter wailing to high heaven. In the kitchen,…
The Fix
I have an addiction It starts as a gentle itch that tickles the corner of my mind, demanding a scratch. I resist — but it persists — and grows stronger every hour. My resolve is firm. I don’t want it.…
Smart
A famous world leader I shall not name, Said, “Smart people don’t like me you know.” Well, that must make me immensely smart, For I dislike him intensely so.
Midnight Confession
She sat alone in a dilapidated booth at the 24-hour diner. She glanced at her watch. Nearly midnight. Where is he? The door jangled as he walked in, a grimace replacing his usual smile. A woman followed close behind, scowling.…
As You Wish, Master
Art browsed through the bric-a-brac on the crowded, dusty shelves in the old antique store, finding little of interest. He spotted an odd-looking object tucked away in the back that looked like a little metal pitcher with a handle and…
Chips and Consequences
One warm September afternoon, Jake Salsa, quarterback of the high school football team, walked with his teammates to the student car lot after a bruising two-hour practice in the blazing sun. They laughed and joked about the things all high…
A Pendulous Task Swinging
“You need to develop a writing habit,” the experts say. “Set a goal every day to write 100, 200, 500 words or more. Maybe even 1000 per day if you can, and you will write a complete novel in 60…
Right Choice Left
The air was crisp and cold in the Wisconsin woods, a hint of winter to come. On the narrow path, the young boy, lost and alone, came to a fork, with no sign showing the way home. “Make the right…
The Impossible Reach
It terrifies me to no end, beginning anytime, anywhere, a silent ambush, with no warning or sound. Imperceptible at first, it quickly grows in ferocity of attack, every second more intense than the last, until I can think of nothing…
A Rapture You Won’t Miss
I’m startled awake by the sound of a blaring trumpet. What was that? The moonlight streaming through my bedroom window tells me it’s still night, but my wife’s side of the bed is empty. Where did she go? My breath…
The Runny Rabbit
Every day, Bunny Rabbit loved to run through the lush green meadow in the pine forest, feeling the soft blades of grass tickle his paws with every bound. He adored the fragrant scent of the wildflowers that dotted the land…
Habeas Who?
A reporter once asked the president, “Should conditions warrant, would you ever consider suspending habeas corpus?” “Habeas who?” asked the president. “Habeas Corpus,” answered the reporter. The president shrugged. “Well, I don’t know. Habeas Corpus sounds like a Latin name…
Best Interests In Mind
My roommate Rich says, “You know, some people criticize the president for being selfish and uncaring, but it’s not true.” I raise my eyebrows at his assertion. “Oh?” I say. “Yes, he has everyone’s best interests in mind. I’ll prove…
A Turn of Luck
As I signal to turn left, the Chevy pickup truck behind me speeds past on the right shoulder, horn blaring. The driver throws a middle-finger salute out the window and yells something that sounds like “Luck you!” I’m going a…
Bonds, Baseball, and Brain Fades
As I watch a televised game between the Giants and Nationals at San Francisco’s Oracle Park, the announcers flashback to the historic 2007 moment when slugger Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run against Nationals pitcher Mike Bacsic, breaking Hank…
Epic Halloween
Another foggy Halloween night, pitch black save for a few freshly carved jack-o’-lanterns perched on the river’s edge, their flickering light casting ghoulish shadows on the nearby trees. A breeze moaned through the leaves, sending a pleasant chill down Sharon’s…
A Great Next 24 Hours
“Nice seeing you, Joel. Have a great day!” Joel chuckles, or is that a smirk? Hard to tell. “You too, Albert. Have a great next 24 hours.” With those words, Joel Amos goes on his way. I walk to my…
Supercells
In a parallel universe, President Daniel Triumph was holding a press conference. A reporter asked if he was concerned about terrorist sleeper cells activating after the bombing of Iranizbad. The President responded: “Our dumb former president, ‘Sleepy Joe Lyin’, let…
Bad Biscuits
It was a grueling eight-hour shift that felt like forever, but finally, it was over. Joe somehow drove home without crashing, and he staggered through the front door of his tiny one-bedroom apartment. Kicking off his shoes, he took a…
The Price of a Wish
I let out a whoop. “Whoa, look at this!” With my hand, I brushed the dust off the ornate purple bottle I found in a pile of debris in the attic. Larry tiptoed gingerly through the clutter towards me. He…
When Comfort and Cold Collide
I check my phone’s weather app. It’s -6℉, with a windchill of -23℉. I slide open the patio door and stick out my head. I shiver as icy fingers of cold air assault me. Brrr…that stings! I shut the slider…
The Sweet Life of Mrs. Hazel Winslow
Today is Mrs. Hazel Winslow’s turn to host the monthly neighborhood coffee klatch. Since it’s the host’s duty to provide refreshments, she spent the morning baking fresh muffins, pastries, and gingerbread cookies. She expected the usual attendees—her neighbors, Mary, Joy,…
Beef Stroganoff
Richard is Martha’s husband. She calls him Dick. One day, Martha discovered Dick secretly watches adult videos. Martha says nothing. She cooks beef stroganoff for him every night. Dick doesn’t get it. Nor does he get why she doesn’t make…
Predator SmackDown
“Pathetic losers,” I smirk, as the credits rolled on my favorite Reality Crime TV show, “Predator SmackDown.” I shake my head. How stupid can these guys be? I look at my phone. Drat! Not enough time for another episode. I…