Guilty as Modified

Bailiff Henry: “All rise. The court of Adverbial Malfeasance is in session.” 

Judge Salma Sol walks through the chamber door and sits behind the bench. 

Judge Salma: “Good morning, everyone. Public Defender Miles Mercer, you are representing the accused?”

Public Defender Mercer: “Yes, Your Honor.” 

Judge Salma: “Present your case, counselor.” 

Public Defender Mercer: “Good morning, Your Honor. In the case of Wickedly vs. the State, I ask the court to acquit the adverb ‘wickedly’ as used in the sentence ‘His humor was wickedly funny.’ Wickedly is not a freeloader and is capably performing its dastardly job of modifying the word ‘funny.’” 

“If we sentence ‘wickedly’ to Adverb Hell, he would have far too much fun.” 

Judge Salma: “Motion granted. The adverb ‘wickedly’ is not a freeloader and is hereby acquitted and released.”

“But you, counselor, I find guilty, and sentence you to Adverb Hell.”

Public Defender Mercer: “Why? You can’t do that.” 

Judge Salma: “I can. For using the adverbs ‘capably’ and ‘dastardly’ in a perfectly innocent sentence.” 

Public Defender Mercer: “But Your Honor, dastardly modifies the noun ‘job,’ so it’s an adjective.”

Judge Salma: “Nevertheless, capably is.” 

“Bailiff Henry, remove Counselor Mercer and his freeloading adverb from the courtroom.” 

Public Defender Mercer: “But, Your Honor, I’m not the defendant!” 

Judge Salma: “Well, you are now, and I find you guilty.” 

Public Defender Mercer: “May I point out, Your Honor, that you are guilty of using the adverb ‘perfectly.’” 

Judge Salma: “You correctly pointed out my use of an adverb, but it’s the only time I’ve ever used one in court. I give myself a warning not to do it again.” 

Public Defender Mercer: “But, Your Honor, you also just used the adverb ‘correctly.’ Am I not correct?” 

Judge Salma pauses. 

Judge Salma: “You are indeed correct, counselor. I warn the judge not to do it again.” 

“Bailiff, remove the counselor and the adverb ‘capably’ from the courtroom immediately.” 

Public Defender Mercer: “Judge! ‘Immediately’ is an adverb!”

Judge Salma’s eyes twitch, and her body freezes. After an eternity of seconds, she pounds the gavel on the block.

Judge Salma: “Guilty! I hereby sentence myself to Adverb Hell alongside Counselor Mercer and his outrageously pathetic adverb.” 

Ex-Public Defender Mercer: “Outrageously…” 

Ex-Judge Salma: “Don’t even.”

Mercer: “But Your—”

Salma: “I’m not Your Honor anymore. I’m your hell-mate.”

Mercer: “You used ‘anymore.’”

Silence. Salma closes her eyes.

Salma: “Crap.”

Mercer: “Is crap an adverb?”

Salma: “No.”

Mercer: “Then we’re making progress.”

Bailiff Henry leads them out of the courtroom to the waiting gates of Adverb Hell. He turns his skeleton key in the lock, swings the screeching gate open, and pushes them through. 

Inside, thousands of condemned words writhe in eternal flames:

Really. Very. Extremely. Incredibly. Totally. Absolutely. 

Mercer recoils.

Mercer: “My God. It’s horrible.”

Salma: “Don’t call on God now. He’s not here.”

Mercer: “We’re not adverbs. Why are we in Adverb Hell?”

Salma: “Because we’re guilty of aggravated adverbial abuse.”

Mercer: “What the…”

A voice calls out from the flames.

“Counselor?”

Mercer: “Who said that?”

A little adverb crawls toward him, engulfed in flames.

“It’s me. Wickedly.”

Mercer gasps. “But I saved you!”

“I know. But they arrested me on another charge.”

“What did you do?”

Wickedly grinned.

“I modified evil.”

Salma shakes her head.

“Freeloader.”

She reaches into her back pocket. 

Snip.

Mercer stares at Salma.

“What the hell, you brought pruning shears?”

Salma smiles wickedly.

“Occupational necessity. Adverbs need to be cut.”

Mercer’s eyes widen.

“Isn’t occupational—”

“Adjective.”

“I’ll be damned.”

“Yes, we are.”