The Last Person on Earth

by Jesse Eric Whitehead

Saint Peter greets Pope Frances at the Pearly Gates with a warm embrace. “Welcome to heaven,” says Peter. “We weren’t expecting you quite so soon.” 

A choir of white-robed angels with harps strike up the heavenly anthem reserved for the most holy and distinguished newcomers arriving at their celestial home.

“I’m surprised too,” says Francis. I didn’t expect to arrive in heaven the day after Easter. 

Saint Peter looks perplexed. “What happened, my friend? Did you offend God? Did you commit a mortal sin?”

Pope Francis shakes his head. “Nothing I know of. But can we ever really know when we’re on the right side of God?” 

He pauses for a moment in thought. “You know, I had a meeting with Vice-President JD Vance yesterday, and shortly thereafter, God called me to the hereafter. I was recovering so nicely from my recent illness when, whoosh–suddenly I’m here!” 

Francis snickers. “I think God has a sense of humor.” 

“How so?” asks Peter. “I know God pretty well after all these years, and he’s not usually the humorous type. 

“Well, I think he is,” chuckles the Pope. “When I once said that JD Vance was the last person on earth I would ever want to meet, I didn’t think God would take my words so literally.”